Musician 2.0 - Redefining Your Self-Identity
by Seamus on May 8, 2009
in Music, Personal development
This is a rambling account of how I came to redefine what it means to me to be a musician and so become Musician 2.0. To do this I had to redefine what success means to me. I spent many years fluffing about in the “wilderness” instead of getting on with it and that’s ok, it all added plenty of character! Regardless here some suggestions for how you can avoid the same “mistakes” (if that’s what they are).
When I started out in music I had some pretty simple goals, make awesome music, get wildly popular, have a blast. That was about it and pretty soon I had accomplished this to a big enough extent that I suddenly found myself feeling empty inside and aimless. I then succumbed fast to all of the usual cliches of the young popular rock musician: drugs, booze, cheap sex.
Which was fun to an extent but was also dissatisfying.
Well fast forward 15 years and it seems I have really only now, as a musician, finally found my way out of the darkness and back into the light (to put it in a cheesy way).
I don’t mean I haven’t made any great music or enjoyed playing any great gigs, but I certainly do mean that my non-career as a musician since my early successes has been a direct result of first a misguided sense of entitlement, then a despondency that waking up to the falsehood of the former brought about.
By the time I was in my late 20s I started to believe that I was too old and had missed the boat. I felt bad inside about my self-worth and my music career chances in general.
It was a weird thing, because inside my heart I have never stopped being a musician (and have always continued to compulsively write songs and play gigs). And neither have I ever stopped (privately) nurturing the dream of becoming a professional working muso, but this dream has for years been held at bay by other factors, namely:
- lack of focus and work ethic
- lack of self-worth (due to a faulty self-identity model)
Lack of Focus
When I publicly started out in music, at the tender age of 18, I was very focused and there was little to distract me. I barely drank at all, I didn’t smoke weed, didn’t do harder drugs at all, and I was content with my steady girlfriend. I could also live off a very low income quite easily, due to life being cheaper then plus just being young and easy to please (i.e. wasn’t as soft as I am now, could sleep on a filthy old mattress on the floor in a damp and drafty old house and eat beans on toast and not mind a bit).
This keen focus brought me a lot of initial success but then as I said above, the lack of a deeper meaning in my life* left me with an empty feeling that I tried to fill with drugs, drink and one night stands. Predictably the band and my relationship with my girlfriend fell apart and my life descended into a very feral stage. I was having lots of fun and adventure on the surface but underneath it lay a shallow sense of despondency.
Yet despite this lack of focus on the work I should have been doing, being a musician (who was focused) I still thought that my early success was all the proof I needed that all I had to do was get up on stage and sing here and there and I would eventually “be discovered” and rocket to true success and glory.***
Sounds stupid now … and indeed, it was.
Eventually, around the age of 27, I found a deeper meaning in my life. At this point I might have gotten things back on track, but no sooner had I pulled my head out of one pit did I promptly plunge into a different hole in the ground.
Lack of Self-Worth
I used to have a very strong sense of self-worth, but then as I pushed thirty and still hadn’t “made it” as a musician (read: Rock Star) my sense of self-worth as a musician deteriorated rapidly.
Why? Well, because my paradigm was all wrong. The model I had based my self-worth on (sad as it may sound) was the young-rock-star-in-the-making model.
I have always enjoyed the first part of the rock star (movie star, entrepreneur, etc) biography where the young star-to-be had to struggle and fight and hope and pray that one day their talent would get noticed and they would make it to Easy Street. And this is how I saw myself, as the young star in the making, who could happily look forward to hitting thirty as a well known and wealthy musician. Sounds stupid I know, but this fantasy kept me going and made me feel secure. It was in fact my whole self-identity.
So when I left my twenties behind and this fantasy hadn’t materialized (due to point above about lack of focus and work ethic, duh) I found myself at the wrong end of a defunct self-identity model and I quietly stopped telling everybody that I was destined for musical greatness. Even though a little voice inside me still claimed it was possible if I would just readjust my parameters, a louder voice inside me pointed out the fact that I had missed the rock n’ roll boat. This fearful voice said I should shut up about it and try to find other ways to make some good money.
Then five years went by very quickly. Fine years, happy years on many levels, but not on a career level.
Then one and a half years ago almost to the day, I was holding my brand new baby daughter in my arms, marveling at the miracle of Life, when a voice - a higher aspect of my own voice - spoke to me quietly (in my mind).
“What are you going to teach her? That it’s ok to just give up? Or that dreams can come true for those who persist?”
Well, I knew the answer straight away and recommitted myself to achieving success. BUT I had to go back and construct an entirely new model of success** because the old one (young David Bowie style rock star) was completely out of date - I just don’t even relate to that cliche anymore at all.
So I was thinking about this, soon after the baby holding incident, and was thinking about the age thing and suddenly, sitting in the sun one day eating my lunch, I suddenly thought “What if my goals took me another fifteen years to materialize? What if it took me another 30 years? Would this be so bad?” and the answer was “No - not as long as I enjoy the process.”
And I do enjoy the process, and you are never too old to be a successful musician, and success is something that you get to define your own way anyway.
So - think, and grow rich - that’s all I am saying 
Analyze what’s going on inside your mind and see if you are holding yourself back with your own lack of focus or with limiting self beliefs.
And here I am one and half years later, well into a protracted, inspiring process that has brought me nothing but deep satisfaction. I am not the musician I once was, I am a new model, Musician 2.0!
Hope this helps somebody out there!
Cheers,
Seamus
*No I did not eventually become a Born Again Christian (been there done that as a child) but I did find my own kind of “spirituality”, for want of a better word. As it happens I am currently documenting this process in a series here.
**My new model of success is more than just “a musician” but I prefer to let it take shape in the arena of life rather than spell it out to people, it keeps my power from being wasted on “gonna do’s”.
***Musicians SHOULD NOT wait around to get “discovered”. In fact this whole post was inspired by reading this line over at Digital Pill “musicians … are not waiting to be discovered, they have discovered themselves and go about doing their job of telling people what they have discovered through their music.”
I love this post.
I feel exactly the same way about being a writer. For too long I subscribed to the notion that I was that starving young writer waiting to be discovered and shoot to fame.
It’s only recently Ive had the realisation that a) I won’t get discovered on half a novel, and b)its okay if it takes me a long time to achieve my goal of publishing a novel.
Hi Jessica, thanks for your comment, the question I always like to ask aspiring writers is “do you actually enjoy the process of writing?” cos I reckon so many “writers” don’t actually enjoy the act of writing, they just like the idea of being a writer. Becoming a famous writer is not a high priority for me but I love writing so much I do it compulsively because it feels good. I dare say many of the successful writers would say the same thing.
I have had plenty of articles published in a number of publications, online and off, and I find it very boring. I love the writing but when it’s published I get about ten seconds of “wow - cool!” when I see it print, then … nothing. That’s why I personally love music more because at gigs I get a whole evening of wow factor and a warm glow for a day or two after a really good gig. Anyway, rambling procrastinator that I am … must stop… now.
I think you’re very wise Seamus. Like you said, it’s all about doing your thing now and letting it be fulfilling for you.
Jessica, I can totally relate. I’ve been “wanting to be a writer” for a really long time. I used to write mainly to express my pain. Now I write mainly to share my message, experience, and knowledge. It’s so different and I really enjoy it more this way. I don’t really mind if I get a book deal or not, but I know it will eventually happen if that’s the best course of action for me!
Hey, I liked your post. I can relate to some of the things you said, though my particular situation is quite different. Though I’ve played guitar for nearly a decade, I’m just now getting serious about music (at age 27). I really love it and want it to be a major part of my life. I feel a little old to be “starting out” at 27, but there’s nothing I can do about that. And I’ve been making a lot of progress lately, so maybe I can make up for lost time
Luckily, I’ve never had any rock star fantasies. Sure, I’d like to produce music that people appreciate, but I’m fine with occupying a niche rather than going for superstardom. The music I like to make probably won’t appeal to most people, anyway. I completely agree about getting “discovered” — why settle for a passive strategy when an active one is many times more likely to be successful?
Hi Seamus
I can make my characters do anything!
I do enjoy the process of writing - its what makes me feel most alive. I often feel that its not me who is creating stories, but rather like someone is speaking through me. Does that sound weird?
Having said that, its also incredibly easy to be distracted, especially since writing is a lone task. There are so many things that pull me away from writing - cleaning, my 9-5 job, my partner, cooking dinner, socialising… I guess its all about finding a balance. And focusing on whats really important.
If I never “be published”, I’m ok with that. If all I do is share a couple of printed stacks of paper with my family and friends, then that’s what I’ll do. It’s more than worth it, to create something.
Also, its fun to be the god of a universe
@Nathalie you flatterer you.
@Mike Sounds to me like you’ve got your head screwed on pretty good and no 27 is not too old. I told my partner recently (who is 30) when she mumbled something about being too old, not to do what I did and spend from 29-34 thinking I was too old only to hit 34 and realise that this is bullshit.
Wonder what stupid things I do now that I will regret when I am 40
we live and learn hey?
@Jessica sounds like writing is your thing then, no doubt. Just go for it.
And then you held your daughter in your arms. I so hear you on that one. This post is rich and evokes a desire to put even more focus on the dreams, realistically and persistently. As a writer who intensely loves the process of writing, I find that turning it into the product that COULD be published is my struggle (something to do with raising 3 kids and and and gets in there too!). I’ve about decided that blogging is the thing I love most but there’s a book in here and the trick is to not put my self-esteem in whether or not it’s a “success.” This post encourages…thank you.
This is a very timely read for me. Thanks for the post. Just turned 27 and I can very much relate to Mike although I think I am taking music seriously or maybe it’s music doesn’t take me seriously heheheh…
And i am still pushing (although i don’t want to admit it) for the rock and roll fantasy…but i guess it will be ok if i would never get to experience it…
Cheers to you mate for having a beautiful daughter and may she inspire you to writing/composing more music! \m/
Hey Seamus Great blog, I couldn’t agree with you more. Its a strange thing how when you start to take music seriously that new opportunities present themselves that you previously have been oblivious to.
Good luck with it all
Kynan
Hi there Seamus
Brilliant post - inspirational.
I’m the same age as you and have been held back from creativity for all the same stupid “I’m passed it” thoughts. Exactly who are those thoughts emanating from, because it sure as hell isn’t anyone else I’ve ever spoken to!
It is all about the beauty of what you create, and age should play no part. I love the process of creating in the privacy of my own room, but there is admittedly a side to me that does it due to a search for some kind of acceptance. My aim is not stardom, but it is recognition for what I do, and finding a specific definition of what I mean by this is actually one of my goals.
Well done for putting across your points so poetically. I too have a young child now (two in fact) and it is precisely for them that I’ve pushed myself to get out there and play again. They want their dad to be something, not nothing. It doesn’t matter if their dad is an international success story, but he does have to be a success, even if that just means believing in what he does and expressing that to others. I just want to change something in people’s heads, however fleetingly, and music is the tool with which I can do that.
Keep going. Keep going!!
Best wishes
Jeremy
I’m 33 (just turned) and play the same game with myself.
Another one I do is compare my age with people who’ve achieved success and at what age they did it. For example, Hey! Ray Manzarek didn’t start playing with the Doors until he was 27 - Jerry Garcia didn’t like his bass player, so he found a 29-year old Phil Lesh to play bass! I’ll check bios of musicians who are achieving success and compare stories, backrounds, and ages.
I should just be creating music instead, but the internal critic is a strong voice.
Also wanted to say I really liked your post on RebelZen about burning the boats and just doing it. I currently have a day job, a secondary business, and a music habit. I’d like to ditch the day job and only have the secondary business to support myself, and I think I can do it, but the promise of steady money/benefits wields it’s sirenic voodoo over me. Plotting to break free..
hey I’m facing the same issues and i was feeling very depressed to be honest after a younger friend planted a seed of doubt earlier last night with the “how do you feel about the prospect of not actually making money as a musician” i just told him I didn;t bother with that though because it was simply not useful.
The problem is everyone has the same damn model as the one you discussed the young muso,this young musician culture not that realistic when you actually think about it in some ways you chances increase with age you have alot more to sing about thats for sure.
People hand on their doubt and they don;t mean too they don;t realize ,self esteems a hard one for a musician and they can so easly piss you off with their arm chair opinions.
I heard some oh so “young and popular” musicians and i’d be embarrassed to stand by their product, thats when i realised it has absolutely nothing to do with age,sure might communicate with a different group but being younger doesn’t necessarily make you sound better.Opera singers don’t really good till their at least 40 why should we be and different,as for the writers here just remember Bukowski he didn;t get recognized properly until well into his late 60s or something so you guys have plenty of time,I myself am a rocker singer/guitarist but i find myself estranged in the world as rock seems almost dead as i once new it.
Don;t give up that’s all too easy I’ll leave you with this quote to all those in their late 20s or 30s in doubt,I turned 28 today.here’s the quote.
I was laying in bed one night thinking, “I’ll just quit, to hell with it”. And then another voice in me said, ‘ Don’t quit. Save a tiny little ember. A spark. And never give them that spark, because as long as you have that spark, it will start the greatest fire again” - Henry Charles “Hank” Bukowski, 1976
Thanks for that awesome comment Will.
Just thought I would pop in to point out that you are only 28. To me you are still a kid and you have plenty of time.
Likewise, I am only 36 and to a 45 year old I am only a kid and still have plenty of time.
Don’t listen to whoever that little dipshit was who planted that seed of doubt in your mind. Their mama probably still lays their underwear out on their bed every morning, you know what I mean? Seriously, apart from the odd freak “old soul”, little kids can only sing (play) for littler kids, you have the ability now after ten years of adulthood to make real meaning.
I will cut you (and all who read this) a deal, if you don’t make the mistake I made of thinking you are past it at the age of 28 (or 22 for that matter which is what I did) then I won’t make the mistake of thinking I am past it at the age of 36.
Success in music is getting to play the kind of music you want to play a lot, the rest is just a pile of baloney.
Thank you for your kind word Seamus you have some great insight,I might have a hunt around for more of your writing, its very good.And where can i find your music.
You can find the music right here on the website (click on music in the menu) and there’s plenty of my writing on the web if you google for it or try rebelzen.com. Cheers Will!